The healing

Accept that nothing is forever but comfort for your feelings. It is a coping mechanism to scream ‘forever’ with someone you connect soulfully with. That doesn’t mean they’re your soul mate. All souls are energy and all energy is connected but some people are not in-tuned.

This is a year of healing.

A year of moulding yourself into a better version.

A year of not taking everything so personal.

unfortunately no-one tells you how lonely it can be because not everyone understands it. You have to teach yourself how to be okay with being alone and allowing yourself to feel the emotions on a bad day but also picking yourself up right after! – don’t dwell on the bad and on the negative emotions “after the storm theres a calm”. Being okay with saying no to the things you don’t want to do and to those you don’t want to speak to. Isolation can be unhealthy but at the same time it is necessary, you do need time for self from time to time.

Here are some ways i personally used to help my healing process;

1. Acceptance: I had to accept everything and everyone that has ever hurt me, accept the process of dealing with the negative emotions and the process of healing, accept what’s done is done and that nothing can be done about it now. Accepting that not everyone has a heart like mine, accepting that not everyone loves like me so they wont hurt like me. Accept that everyone deals with things differently and that my feelings are always valid because i feel them.

2. Triggers: Being highly aware of what triggers you, if you are able to face it in order to get over it and accept it, Well done you and you’re on the road to fast recovery, if you can’t face it then i would advice to avoid it as much as you can until you feel that you’re ready.

3. Purpose: Find ways to nurture your goals whether it be writing down your plans & goals and putting action into place, give yourself a reason outside of the hurting & trauma’s, a reason to be excited, motivated and to push forward.

4. Teachings & Inspirations: Get inspired by listening to self-help podcasts, videos, Books. Make a list of affirmations you can read daily and believe in them! Practice what you learnt and align with, your feelings don’t lie!

5. Share LOVE! I don’t know about you but even in my low days, spreading love in anyway i can makes a difference and makes me feel good. It doesn’t cost you anything to share love, what you give you will receive back without a doubt ❤️

I respect that everyone has their own way of dealing with things, i thought id share what works for me. I haven’t completely mastered it all but i can confidently say i see a positive change in the way i think, feel and act.

Most importantly, embrace your healing process. It will mould you into a different version of you that you probably cant see right now but it will be the best version of yourself and once you come out the other end you will never look back. I’m not saying you wont have bad days or face hardships but your approach will be different and you will be able to manage it.

I hope i made a difference, stay FABULOUS!

A rose that grew from concrete 🌹

I often face hardships.

Ive programmed myself to hope for the best but expect the worst not knowing I’m creating the worst with my mind.

I have a habit of over-staying in dark places that i wont grow from, feeling sorry for myself.

I often think myself into darkness once I’ve learnt to climb out of it.

Been through the worst and i am rising above it.

Life is simple but we, I over complicate it.

I learnt to let everything run its course

Putting my trust into myself is vital.

I am working on myself to be the ultimate best version of myself for myself FIRST, everything else thereafter.

Learn to react less from emotions.

Forgiveness

🗣“FORGIVE AND MOVE ON FOR YOUR OWN PEACE”🗣

Forgiveness is for YOU. No-one else but you. Its for your own peace. I do believe i am a forgiving person, i don’t hold grudges nor do i like to. If i had it my way i would make amends with everyone that i have been in conflict with but not everyone has the same heart as me. I like making amends with people, i like peace. We live in such a small world and you will meet up with people you were once in conflict with and you see that awkward, uncomfortable feeling you get when you’re around them? Thats what i cannot take. Many times and till this day i find myself forgiving people who aren’t sorry, its a hard pill to swallow as it comes with so much negative emotions, you feel resentful, angry, betrayed etc. Forgiveness makes you the bigger person, & to forgive without the apology makes you an even bigger & braver person, it takes a lot of strength and courage to do that, not many people will understand. I don’t believe in that phrase “forgive and forget” because you don’t ever forget whats been done but you can forgive and move on from it, thats strength! I have a bad habit of not doing what i want to do because i care what others think or would say, not forgiving those i want to forgive because of that same reason but i have grown to accept that this is how i am and i don’t need validation from others in order to go forth with forgiveness. Even if it means others don’t agree with it, i know why I’M doing it. IT’S FOR ME.

Most importantly, forgive yourself!

Forgive yourself over and over again until you feel a peace. Many times we beat ourselves up but at the end of the day, we’re all we have. Complete the needs and wants within yourself FIRST & then everyone else comes after. Forgiveness is a conscious decision which helps release negative feelings, please remember to forgive isn’t to forget and it doesn’t mean u accept whats been done or condone it, you’re simply freeing yourself of deep negative feelings which could damage you and it is also you recognising the pain in which you have suffered without allowing it to define you. You will find it a lot easier to heal and move on.

Selfish VS Self-full

Selfish VS Self-full

 

Selfish – (Of a person, action or motive) lacking consideration for other people, concerned chiefly with one’s own personal profit or pleasure.

 

Self-full So because ‘self-full isn’t actually a word with a solid definition, i’m making up my own to my understanding & knowledge.

The ability to balance the needs and wants of oneself as well as taking others into consideration. Caring for a person’s well-being and health wholeheartedly and soulfully.

 

To be selfish isn’t all negative if you think about it in a positive way, its mainly about putting yourself first, always. But there are negatives aspects as-well such as lacking consideration for other, they’re very egotistic (i wrote about ego in a previous post, Ego VS Soul https://shanshaniese.blog/2019/02/08/ego-vs-soul/) and self-centred, they don’t notice much unless it has something if not everything to do with them. They have mastered the ability to put themselves first, their main priority is taking care of their wants and needs. It can come across as a negative trait as it can cause people to move further from you as you’re all about yourself.

 

To be self-full, you’re making sure your needs and wants are met as well as the next person. You’re highly considerate of another’s wellbeing, you’re acting without thinking about how you could profit or how it could benefit you. Acting from the heart and soul instead of the ego.

A self-full characteristic promotes a happy and positive lifestyle, being optimistic about anything and everything even in the hardest of times.

 

The best expression i like to use is the half full, half empty phrase (are you optimistic or pessimistic)

You have a glass of water that is filled up halfway, A selfish or pessimist would say the glass of water is half empty, in other words this person feels like they’re making a big sacrifice by giving you a glass of water in the first place despite giving you a half empty glass of water.

An optimist would say the glass of water is half full, they’re happy to be giving and it wont be given at the expense of ones happiness or wellbeing.

Communication

Being in certain situations shows you how necessary communication is, lack of communication really does leave doors open for assumptions to consume the situation and thats where things can begin to go wrong. Im a verbal person, i like to express when necessary so that there is an understanding on my half but I’ve learnt that people will only understand as far as they understand themselves and to their knowledge. Thats okay..

There is 3 sides to every story which is your side, their side & the truth, Ive been in many situations which prove to me that lack of communication can cause damage to your relationship/ friendship and misunderstanding in a situation. Its not all about having a conversation with someone but its also about how you do it! Ive grown to experience and accept that everyone is different and everyone deals with things differently to how best THEY can handle it. I understand that everyone has their own truth, their own depth which i believe reflects in their communication skills, how they communicate with others, the words they use, the tone, eye contact, body language and movement.

I failed to acknowledge that not everyone is as vocal as i am, i felt obligated to be in the know at all times, failing to accept that no-one owes me anything and no-ones obligated to express themselves to me. Im a sensitive being and because of that i take it highly personal when I’m not in the know. I am learning not to take things so personal as i now understand i am only hurting myself. But at the same time I AM obligated to feel as deeply as i need. I am also learning about my approach, my approach to communication with people, my approach to opportunities, my approach when i am being confronted.. to everything.

Communication goes a long way and i feel that many people don’t really get that, they don’t understand that it is key to any type of relationship you hold with people. When communicating, listen to understand and respond in an appropriate way instead of listening to respond. When you listen to respond you’re not listening or taking in any information instead your awaiting your turn to share your opinion or views and disregarding the other person. Listening to understand could teach you a thing or two, make you look at things in a different perspective and its also a way of showing respect.

Emotional Intelligence

“Emotional intelligence is the key to both personal & professional success”.

Emotional Intelligence starts with being self & socially aware of your emotions and its impact on yourself and of those around you. It also involves self reflection which is important as you’re bringing attention to whats happening in your day to day life in a mindful and open-minded way. We live a fast pace life where we’re not taking the time out to reflect on whats happening internally. For example, asking yourself; • What are my emotional strengths? • Does my current mood affect my thought process and decision making? • What triggers me? • What are my weaknesses?

An easy theory that is also difficult in practice is “Thinking before you speak & act”. This can save you from disputes with others and it can also be used for self-reflection, thinking before you down talk yourself. Taking the time out to think can prevent you from making permanent decisions based on temporary emotions. To avoid becoming a slave to your emotions you can put out the intention of striving to control it. If you focus on your thoughts you are capable of controlling how you react to your emotions.

Im gonna list a few illustrations on emotional Intelligence alongside low emotional Intelligence;

⁃ Emotional Intelligence is also about benefiting from criticism. Negative feedback can teach you and keep your emotions in check, its really for you to take it as a positive learning step and look for ways it can make you a better person.

⁃ Demonstrating empathy is understanding how to build deeper and a more connected relationship with others. Its understanding other peoples feelings and thoughts as well as your own.

⁃ Forgive and move on, don’t dwell on things you cant change and give yourself the chance to heal. When you forgive you’re allowing yourself to be at peace and you’re in control of your own emotions whereas if you don’t, you’re allowing others to hold your emotions hostage.

⁃ Keeping your word/ commitment, gaining trust and a strong reputation by keeping your word or promises as nowadays its been normalised to bail out on people and break a commitment big or small.

Low emotional Intelligence

A person with low emotional Intelligence will find it harder to pursue their dreams as their approach are more restricting.

⁃ You will find it hard understanding other peoples emotions. They either don’t notice it or lack understanding to why they’re feeling the way they do. They also lack empathy.

⁃ You will not take responsibility for your own emotions, instead you will blame others. They fail to understand that they’re in control of their own lives and emotions.

⁃ Consider other people “over sensitive” when they don’t get the reaction they expected from running a joke and not taking in consideration that they may not be in a good mood.

⁃ Low emotional Intelligence people have no control over their emotions and also cannot control their reactions.

⁃ They find it hard to keep friendship because they may come across as cold or uncaring.

She.

She is loving but her scorn is dangerous.

She will go out of her way for you despite the acts of ungratefulness.

She smiles but she cries harder.

She loves to laugh but shes hurting deep down.

Shes angry because she experienced betrayal, deceit and lies.

She lacks trust because the closest to her lied, took advantage of her and hurt her.

But She is strong, she rises above it all.

She is caring and gentle.

She loves unconditionally anyways.

She never gives up even when she feels to.

She encourages herself when others doubt her.

She is learning to love herself again, everyday.

Revenge?

women ain’t crying over men anymore, they’re dishing back the hurt they received.

I refuse to allow the lack in control of men to lessen my love for love. I love love and ill never allow the actions of the other person to shift my belief. Ive been cheated on by 4 past lovers and out of the 4 I’ve cheated back once. To make it worse i only done it out of spite, it felt good at the time because my ex reacted and felt the exact way i wanted him too but in the long run i was still hurting. Its not even worth it “to get even” you’re literally lowering your standard to match his and thats what i done. Two wrongs really don’t make a right, it makes you a fool. Men cannot bare the same hurt they put women through, they will hurt you 1000 times and the moment you hurt them, chest pain arises and they cant breath, they’re dying. Then they use that one hurtful experience as an excuse to do dirty to every woman they encounter because they now have trust issues. Trust issues is on the table now, they wont hide the fact that they’ve been hurt, they will let you in on that one, thats them “indirectly” letting you know that IF they do you dirty, this is why. Manipulation. Some men will use manipulation to get their own way throughout a relationship by turning the argument back on you to make it seem like its all your fault or you caused it, he wont take responsibility for his wrong doings, may make you feel unworthy of him, does things to make you feel jealous or act crazy, give you mixed signals and the list goes on.

Revenge on someone who hurt you isn’t worth it, take it from me. It may make you feel good in the moment but it wont mask the fact that you’re still hurting. The best thing to do is to leave them to it, and as much as it is bothering you don’t let it show.

MEN MEN MEN MEN MEN.

If you know this applies to you, take it very personal. Don’t allow the action of an unfaithful woman to shift your idea of love or your belief. We’re NOT all the same and it isn’t fair to take your frustration out on every woman you get involved with. We’re not all out to hurt you. And STOP getting involved with women with your trust issues!!!!! We don’t want to be a victim of your past hurt nor does it have anything to do with us.

What’s hard in being single if you want to live the single life?

Things could be so simple if everyone stated their intentions from the start. I also understand that things and feelings can change during a relationship but communication is key!!!

Don’t get even, get right with you and do right for you.

Love languages

What is a love language?

Love languages are the different ways people express their love or like to receive love. Everyone has their own ways of feeling loved and appreciated. To understand ones love language is to live a happy and fulfilled life with your loved ones. I am about to explain the 5 love languages for you and by this you’ll be able to identify your own & loved ones around you 💋

1. Words of affirmations: This is an expression through words that builds up a person. The simplest words of affirmation can have a big impact on a person and can mean so much to someone. Despite the phrase “Actions speak louder than WORDS” there are people out there that thrive of words, compliments & comments.

2. Acts of service: Now the phrase “ACTIONS speaks louder than words” means a lot more to a person who’s love language is acts of service. They may show their love or get confirmation of love from another by doing things that one likes, it could even be the simplest thing like cleaning up after that person or making sure they come home to cooked food and a set bath after a long day of work. You can feel it if these acts of services are genuine and full of happiness and positivity, that’s when it holds the most value.

3. Receiving gifts: Some people like to receive or award gifts to show appreciation, this love language isn’t necessarily materialistic but rather being thoughtful. It doesn’t even have to be anything flashy, you could buy that person their favourite food or drink or give them a souvenir for keepsakes.

4. Quality Time: Undivided attention can mean the world to some, no distractions just you and that person being their main focus or even taking one out on a date, a pamper session with each other. That one-to-one interaction is always healthy.

5. Physical touch: Feeling connected and safe in the arms of another person. It could be as simple as holding hands, cuddling up with each other, kissing and touching. If this is a persons primary love language they could feel unloved if it’s something they’re lacking.

I personally appreciate physical touch & words of affirmation more than the rest. I love to be in the arms of my partner or simply being around my loved ones, I am the clingy type lol and I LOVE LOVE LOVE when I am being encouraged through words, exchange in feelings through words and when loved ones expresses on a deeper level.

What’s your Love Language?

Insecurities

Everyone is insecure about something and it doesn’t necessarily have to be about your physical appearance. It can also come down to experiences of how others made you feel or comparing yourself in all aspects to others, even how you see and talk to yourself. Insecurities has been glamourised so much that it is deemed to be almost romantic if a guy/girl is obsessive over their significant other or even territorial. It has been drilled into us from young just by simple behaviour not knowing it’s damaging us in the long run.

Young girls: if a boy seems to give you attention in an aggressive way, bothers you, or even “jokingly” hurts you (play fights), it doesn’t necessarily mean he likes you. Chances are he doesn’t quite know how to express his feelings the right way or he’s afraid of rejection. Boys are not emotional beings like us females but more logical. If I were you, I’d look at it as a red flag if a boy is comfortable putting his hands on you “as a joke” as a way to express his feelings for you. Like I said, boys are logical so I look at it as a way to see how much pain you can put up with as a guide to know how they should deal with you. A boy should NEVER feel comfortable putting his hands on you, not even as a joke. So my young ones, don’t mistaken mean, aggressive behaviour for feelings.

Ladies & Men: Insecure behaviour is being obsessive, tracking your every move and who you’re with, telling you what you can and cannot do, making you feel like you’re owned by them, making you choose between them and others. Body language plays a huge role in any form of relationship and in fact it shows you a lot about a person. One example of an insecure body language is eye contact, avoidance of eye contact is a big red flag! Your eyes expresses your inner world. Doubting your love is a form of insecurity, comparing themselves with others, accusations, manipulative behaviour and the list goes on.

Social media: it’s not always about relationships, the media plays its part in making people feel insecure by portraying a life that you “should” be living such as all females should be a “Instagram babe”, have a sugar daddy, using nothing but “pretty privileges” to get through life and making some girls out there feel like they’re not pretty enough to have such privileges to use or all men should go gym and become muscular or have a nice car, live alone and be making x amount of money. No one shows their struggles online or how hard they had to work to get to where they are in their lives and it doesn’t help when successful people are not honest about how they reached their goal but instead they mislead others by selling them a lie of what they should do to live such life.

Physical appearance: Another big topic especially for women who are insecure about their bodies and turn to surgery. Also men who aren’t muscular and feel pressured to over do gym and consume products to help build them.

It is important to recognise your insecurities and have desires to fix them before getting involved with others and I’m not just talking romantically but it can be friendships & family too. It’s highly draining and can be toxic. If you’re dealing with someone who is insecure, reassurance goes a long way even by the littlest things. Lack of reassurance can equal to lack of communication which leaves room for assumptions and that’s how the insecurity starts.

It’s so important to be so secure in yourself, it shows from the inside and out.

Be mindful, be kind ❤️